Have you spent time with someone who said they loved you, you thought you loved them, but now you want out? Perhaps there is never a "good" way to break up. But if you have invested time and emotion into your partnership, you owe each other a face-to-face goodbye (unless there was abuse) before you act like you are single or unattached again.

How do you break up with someone? Think about the following:

Where are you going to deliver this difficult message?

If this is a new relationship; or if you have been dating steadily but you never had any intention of marrying this person; or, if the person you are breaking up with had stronger feelings for you than you had for them, choose a place that feels safe for you. You might want to consider choosing a place that is public enough so the person won't cause a scene, but private enough so they won't feel on display. Meet the person at the chosen destination, providing for your own transportation there and back. Think about talking to your boy/girl friend in a park, private booth in a restaurant or coffee shop, or during a walk on a quiet street. Do not break up at work, a party, or at a gathering of friends. Have somewhere to go afterwards if the break up becomes ugly, such as a friend's or relative's house. You'll need someone to talk to.

When are you going to break up with this person?

Never break up with someone on their birthday, your anniversay, or right before or during the holidays. Treat them the way you would want to be treated if the tables were turned.

What do you say and how do you say it?

How we deal with others will come back to haunt us, so be kind and leave blame out of the picture. Keep your message short and to the point. The longer it takes, the worse you both will feel. When you break up, keep the reasons relevant to you. "I'm not doing well in this relationship. It's not working for me." If you offer reasons other than your own unhappiness, and say things like, "You don't seem happy," or "We fight all the time," your partner may insist that they can change.

Why do you want to break up?

No one should feel compelled to stay in a relationship just because they don't want to hurt someone else's feelings. The desire to work on something lasting needs to be mutual, or it is out of balance, going down the road like a wobbly wheel. In the beginning of the relationship, you might have felt it had some promise. But over time, it may have proven to be unworkable. Sometimes, the chemistry evaporates for one of the parties. Other times, it becomes clear that this person is never going to meet your basic requirements.

The period of time following a breakup can be a growth experience for either party if it is handled with sensitivity and wisdom. Have a close friend, mentor, counselor, or advisor talk you through your days and weeks after your ordeal until you feel strong enough to make good decisions and start dating again. Because--breaking up is hard to do.

Tonja Weimer

Tonja Evetts Weimer is a Master Certified singles relationship and life coach, speaker, syndicated columnist and author.

Tonja is a full time professional coach with a practice in Greenville, SC. She helps individuals, especially singles, re-craft their lives and find happiness and success in their career and relationships. Some of Tonja's professional activities include:

==> Syndicated singles relationship columnist, writing SAVVY DATING, a weekly column read by over a million readers in many U.S newspapers. Tonja's column addresses relationship and life issues of interest to all adults, but particularly to the over 110 million singles in the U.S. Tonja has also had articles published in New Woman, Hope, and House Beautiful magazines, and has won 3 Matrix Awards for her writing.

==> Motivational speaker, Tonja has been a keynote presenter at national and international conferences over the last 30 years.

==> Author of materials for educators and parents (7 books, six music albums and 2 videos), which have won 22 awards.

Some Speaking and Media Highlights:

==> Keynote speaker for 2004 Women?s Issues Network Conference, Sumter, SC.

==> Keynote speaker for 2002 Parents as Teachers International Conference, St. Louis, MO.

==> Keynote speaker for 1999 International Conference for Children & Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder.

==> Keynote speaker for 1998 European Education Conference, in Mannheim, Germany.

==> Keynote speaker in 35 U.S. states at educational conferences.

==> Presenter at the International Special Olympics in Notre Dame, at the request of Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

==> Created Space Songs for Children, at the request of NASA (album taken into space by astronauts three times.)

==> Appeared on CNN?s Showbiz Today and many other TV shows.

Educational and Professional Qualifications:

==> National Fellow (U.S. Dept. of Education.) M.A. in Human Development and Education, with an emphasis on creativity.

==> Master Certified Singles Relationship Coach, Relationship Coaching Institute.

==> Personal Life Coach, Graduate, Institute for Life Coach Training.

==> Member, International Coaching Federation